Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
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Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”