@omgthatspunny: Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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@Midgetspar: I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven't played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I'm Michael Jordan.
@infamousone96: Boss: "You're not suppose to be drinking on the job!" Me: "You're not suppose to cheat on your wife." Boss: "Keep up the good work sir."