@omgthatspunny: Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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@stonedcognition: These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I'm going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.
@ItMightBeJim: Meets girl at bar. Takes her to Ikea. Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
@juliussharpe: Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don't want to look at you.