my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
this chia pet tastes awful
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Merica.
I unironically love this joke.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song