@Doh573: Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.
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@SveldtSmelt: I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
@hipstermermaid: I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
@jonnysun: OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im... [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
@kimtopher22: I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say "I don't know, do you THINK I look fat?"