*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.