[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
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Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”