CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir