Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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TRAIN’S HERE
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.