Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.