Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
White Castle for the Win
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication