Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
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WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam