I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.