No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
what the
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
the clam before the storm
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*