getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
🍛
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.