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Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.