Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]