Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
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Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.