Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
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Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?