CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
you gotta be faster
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.