Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
me hooking up with my ex
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]