I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
You Might Also Like
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.