@ellentee: Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it's food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
@AshFrieds: There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
@DanMentos: "Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?"
Oh it died?
@_NTFG_: My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.
@ZombieProblms: Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it's a "tragedy."
But when a zombie get hit, it's a "good kill."
@vineyille: [at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true