Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
You Might Also Like
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.