@ellentee: Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it's food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
@IamEnidColeslaw: got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
@EvanSilliams: This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
@sixfootcandy: Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.
@RealSamHarwood: Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude