Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Need this in my life lol
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law