I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Me too
Oh deer
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
grotesque if literal: baby food
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea