Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
bout dat hot dog summer
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Who did it better?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
ok like just. call me at this point
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Never be a pizza!
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.