Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*