@donni: CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That'll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That's not where it goes, silly
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@Birdhumms: 70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
@RickAaron: My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
@KenJennings: SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can't get out of this room
@yerpalmildsauce: *noise* GF: there's somebody in the kitchen! ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that's where the food is
@friedmanjon: I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.
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