@wife_housy: Hubs says when I drink I'm "too loud" and use too many "big words." WELL I'M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@WritePlay: MAN: I'll get pasta & she'll have the salad COW: What's that mean? MAN: Uh- COW: I'm fat? MAN: ... You're a cow? PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

@SCbchbum: I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

@Stellacopter: Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

@super_morgasm: Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he's fat.