CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.