CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
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Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Awesome parenting 馃槀
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Yes, air conditioning, I鈥檒l marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I don鈥檛 always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it鈥檚 a Costco size box of blueberries
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
馃槀馃挴
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It鈥檚 beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
6. me as a lawyer
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I couldn鈥檛 take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren鈥檛 even from the same ocean and aren鈥檛 closely related