CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.