Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not