Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
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