Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!