Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
wishing you and yours all the best
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.