Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.