[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent