[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
It’s a gift
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
channeling her this year
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
mood
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.