CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Where’s my employee discount too?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.