CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
You Might Also Like
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It鈥檚 somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If cats had a cellphone, you鈥檇 have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you鈥檇 have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 馃巸
It鈥檚 actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.