Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
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“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Squirrels before girls.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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