Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Trying
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut