cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
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My whole life was a lie.
Me trying to walk in a dream
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.