Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
You Might Also Like
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.