Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
You Might Also Like
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.