me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.