[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
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Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Lube but for my dry humor.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Tremendous stuff
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.