I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?