ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.