Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us