Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
fair
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s