Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Investing in beetcoin
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes