Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
This was a terrible day, I鈥檓 having live grenades for dinner.
PARKOUR
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I鈥檓 worried I said something homeowphobic
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that鈥檚 not my hair.
Wife: then who鈥檚 hair is it?
Me: omg it鈥檚 a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 馃槨
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn鈥檛 even fatal.
wtf is an acronym
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I鈥檓 sending a pizza down to check it out.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.