Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
You Might Also Like
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Oh hi lol
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.